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The filth of the newborn nappy and beyond

It was oozing and wet, it trickled out and suddenly it was everywhere. It was the worst nappy I had came across, I didn’t think it was humanly possible for a little person to create so much destruction in so little time. (Extract from my upcoming title, 50 shades of brown)

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I never thought I’d have as many conversations about poo as I do now. I pretend like it’s a chore, but let’s face it, everyone loves a bit of toilet humour. If I’ve learnt anything this past few months since I became a mama, it’s that even when your knee deep in shit, you have to find the bright side amidst all the shades of brown.

You can tell a lot by a nappy, if feeding is going well, tummy upset etc. It’s like the crystal ball of the fortune teller world- except this crystal ball happens to come in a delightful spectrum of brown.

Here are the 16 phrases I have used since my son was born, in varying degrees of severity. Please read in a tone of disgust, amazement or in some instances, completely aghast.

1.) What ANOTHER poo? (If your not a parent, or have not had this pleasure yet, newborns poo every 2 or so hours, or at least mine did)

2.) What color was that poo?

3.) Did he fill that nappy? What do you mean half full? Will there be more do you reckon? (note- brown crystal ball has been taken out to consider possibility of near future dirty nappy, the future looks certain)

4.) It’s up the back and around the neck, does that count as an explosion?! (Unfortunately, this isn’t exaggerated)

5.) Can the vest be saved? (The daily struggle to maintain a high number of vests versus even vanish can’t eliminate those stains)

6.) It’ll take too many wipes, going to have to hose him down and give him a good clean (note- sounds like we are in a car wash).

7.) I just got peed on…again…and again (I’ve got a little boy, but I’ve heard some girls can aim surprisingly high as well, for all nappy changers- key tip- close mouth whilst making the change)

8.) Always take cover, use an insurance policy! (Every parent has techniques, mine was to use cotton wool to absorb the suspiciously timed pee)

9.) It’s got everywhere, he’s plastered down there. I have no idea where to start. (Note, with gloves and full contamination suit, I wish!)

10.) It’s green, yellow, brown, orange- we’ve got a rainbow folks (Now singing ‘I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow too’)

11.) I swear he knows. He waits until the nappy comes off and let’s loose (Of course, he doesn’t know, or if he does,he’s got an amazing IQ already- but the smile when he does it…hmm)

12.) Is that poo on your trousers?

13.) You got a bit on your arm (doesn’t even phase me anymore, although if it wasn’t my son’s and it was someone else’s I’d probably freak. Logical? Not one bit!)

14.) I can’t believe that was just a fart. It sounded wet.

15.) Your turn to wipe poo (mwhahaha, note, always time it so you get the non-poo nappy when possible, it’s a delicately timed process and can backfire quite literally)

16.) Oh no it came out the sides (and usually up the back and around the neck as well, as above)

Have you got any colourful nappy stories to tell? Leave a comment and give me a giggle!

0 thoughts on “The filth of the newborn nappy and beyond

  1. […] lifted him from his cotjail and randomly did the #bumsniff, he wasn’t sure but he thought she gagged slightly, wretching she placed him on his changing […]

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